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Letterman Announces Staff Affair

published  First Published: 02/10/2009
Article written by: Late Show Transcript
Here is the full transcript (audience reactions to Letterman are in parentheses):
 
ďIím glad you folks are here tonight, and Iím glad youíre in such a pleasant mood because I have a little story that I would like to tell you and the home viewers as well.
 
Do you feel like a story? (applause/cheers) This started three weeks ago yesterday. And I get up early and I come to work early, and I go out and I get into my car, and in the back seat of my car, there is a package I donít recognize, and have never seen before and donít usually receive packages six in the morning in the back of my car. (laughter) I guess you can. I guess some people do. So I get to looking through it, and thereís a letter in the package, and it says that,
 
ĎI know that you do some terrible, terrible things. (laughter) And I can prove that you do these terrible things.í And sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things. (laughter) Itís six in the morning, and maybe this looks better to you at noon, (laughter) but six in the morning, all you can think about is every terrible thing that youíve done in your entire life. (laughter) So I go through it, and I study it, and what this is, is a guy is going to write a screenplay about me. And you know, thatís good news for anyone, isnít it really? (laughter/applause) And heís going to take all of the terrible stuff that he knows about my life, and he seems to, in this packet, there seems to be quite a lot of terrible stuff that he knows about. And heís going to put it into a movie unless I give him some money. Yeah, Iím like you, I think, really? Thatís a little, and this is the word I actually used, thatís a little hinky. (laughter)
 
"So I just want to reiterate how terrifying this moment is, because thereís something very insidious about, is he standing down there? Is he hiding under the car? (laughter) Am I going to get a tap on the shoulder? You immediately, because Iím motivated by nothing but guilt. If you know anything about me (laughter) I am just a towering mass of Lutheran Midwestern guilt. (laughter/applause) Well, thank you.
 
"So I get to the office and I say to myself, I hate doing things like this, but maybe Iíll call my attorney. So I call my attorney, and he takes a look at it, and he says, well, letís schedule a meeting with the guy, just to see what he has in mind. So thereís a meeting with the guy, and it turns out, yes in fact, he wants a large sum of money or heís going to produce this screenplay of all of the terrible things that I do. Embarrassing, terrible things. (laughter) So, at that point, my attorney and I say, wow, this really is hinky. (laughter) So then we call an operation called the Special Prosecution Bureau, which is a division of the Manhattan District Attorneyís Office.
 
We call down there, and we say, can we run a couple of things by you guys? (laughter) So we took the stuff down there and they said, whoa, hello, this is blackmail. (laughter/applause) So they said, what you want to do is get another meeting with this guy and find out if heís serious, because, you know, we all have a bad day, and stuff like this (laughter) can slip through the cracks, youíve inadvertently blackmailed someone. (laughter) So they have the second meeting, and the question was posed, and are you aware, that this is serious, this could be a crime. And, no, no, Iím fine with that. And oh, by the way, not only am I writing a screenplay. Iím writing a book. So I thought, well, thatís nice. You have a companion piece. You have the film, and you have the book. What do you, read the book first, then go to the film? Do you watch the film then you read the book? Do you take the book and read along at the film? (laughter) Itís all coming up roses for me now. (laughter) Because, remember, this guy knows creepy stuff about me. So they had the second meeting and he was reassured that everything was just fine. And then a third meeting is arranged.
 
"And if thereís a lighthearted moment in any of this, and Iím not sure there really is, the third meeting Ė the third meeting is arranged whereby heís given the check. Now I donít think Iíve mentioned the amount up Ďtil now. But he was asking $2 million. (gasps/laughter) Was that the foreigners? (applause) So the check is turned over, $2 million, and because Iím such a bonehead, you ever seen the golf tournaments where they have the giant check when the guy wins it? (laughter) But I couldnít talk him into that. (Paul: ďNo. Hehe.Ē) So now this guy is walking around New York City with a phony check for $2 million, and the idea is now, although heís given no guarantees. Heís still saying, well, you know, you never know, I may just go ahead and write the book, may just go ahead and write the screenplay. So, for that guarantee, heís got a phony check for $2 million.
 
ďSo this morning I did something Iíve never done in my life. And it was a combination of just unusual and scary Ė this whole thing has been quite scary Ė
 
I had to go downtown to testify before the grand jury. And I had to tell them how I was disturbed by this, I was worried for myself, I was worried for my family, I felt menaced by this.
 
And I had to tell them all of the creepy things that I have done, that were going to be (laughter). Now why is that funny? Thatís, I mean. (laughter/applause) So the idea is that if they believe, in fact, a crime has been committed, then they issue a warrant, and thatís exactly what happened. And a little bit after noon today, the guy was arrested. (applause/cheers)Ē
 
ďNow of course, we get to, what was it? What was all the creepy stuff (laughter) that he was gonna put into the screenplay and the movie? And the creepy stuff was, that I have had sex with women who work for me on this show. Now. My response to that is, yes I have. (laughter/applause) I have had sex with women who work on this show. (more applause) And would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would. Perhaps it would. (laughter) Especially for the women. (laughter/applause) But thatís a decision for them to make if they want to come public and talk about the relationships. If I want to talk about the relationships. But what you donít want is a guy saying, oh, I know you had sex with women so I would like $2 million or Iím going to make trouble for you. So thatís where we stand right now.
 
"I just want to thank the people at the Special Prosecution Bureau and the Manhattan District Attorneyís Office, Robert Morgenthau, who is head of that. Itís been a very bizarre experience. I feel like I need to protect these people. I need to certainly protect my family. I need to protect myself Ė hope to protect my job Ė and the friends, everybody that has been very supportive through this.
 
And I donít plan to say much more about this on this particular topic. So, thank you for letting me bend your ears. (applause) Now. I know what youíre saying. ĎIíll be darned, Daveís had sex!í (laughter) Thatís what the grand jury said also. (laughter) Really? Youíve had sex? Alright, now what do we do? I guess we do a thing. Thank you again for your patience. Weíll be right backÖĒ
 
 

 

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